“I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death.
They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make.
Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories.
We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love. “~ Leo Buscaglia
Having some quality alone time with Nick has been good for him I think. It’s been good for us too. We are in Florida (wow is it ever hot!). We are camping near where Zack was born. Our motor home is getting a little work done before we continue our trip westward to Texas and beyond.
Last night, Nick had a dream about Zack. He came and woke me up to tell me about it. He wasn’t crying and upset as he has been in previous nights. He was very excited and happy to tell me the details of Zack bringing him presents for his birthday.
Today, we were walking along and Nick suggested that we all hold hands. I was walking between Mayo and Nick. We all grabbed hands. Nick announced that he was holding Zack’s hand too with his other hand.
Tonight at dinner, Nick pretended Zack was sitting with us and told us what he would order off the menu. I looked around the restaurant at the tables full of families enjoying dinner. I saw a couple of families with empty seats at their table. I couldn’t help but wonder why their seat was empty. I wonder if anybody notices the empty seat at our table.
Zack was more than Nick’s older brother. He was his best friend….given to him by God. He is coping the very best way he knows how. We are helping him as best we can while struggling to cope ourselves. Daily, somehow, we continue to breathe in and out, taking one moment at a time, slowly moving forward and finding joy in our day.
During Zack’s illness, I kept a journal and I had a special section where I specifically wrote what “joy” we experienced that day – no matter how big or small (it could be that we celebrated swallowing a pill without throwing up or we walked 50 steps or we laughed about something silly). My journaling continues. My section of “joy” continues also – no matter how big or small. Life continues to give us joy despite our loss and I think our ability to be totally present with Nick and each other during those joyful moments- sharing joy and sharing tears, will determine how we live our lives in the future.
Tomorrow, we go to the Magic Kingdom….per Nick’s request….to enjoy one of the places that our boys enjoyed together. It will be fun to talk about all the rides Zack loved best and share great memories. We all usually double up in our seats. One of us will have to ride alone. Although the seat will be empty, his seat doesn’t need to be physically filled for his presence to be felt….And he will be begging me to hold my hands above my head on the “big drop” on Splash Mountain. Maybe….just maybe I will tomorrow. Just for Zack. And I will scream and freak out and he will be sitting beside me laughing, rolling his eyes saying “Mommy what is wrong with you?” And I will smile. And his seat will never really be empty.
“I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.” ~ Philippians 1:3
Thanks for praying and believing with us….
We continue to find the joy in everyday as we remember and miss Zack.
Beautifully spoken and so honest. We all cope in different ways of losing a person physically close to us. Sounds like Nick is doing good. Thank you for sharing so much of your lives. We continue to pray for you all. Blessings for your travels & healings! Praise the Lord for putting you in our lives and touching us with your writings.
Dearest Mayo’s, May you enjoy the ride of your lives and the healing start. The great news is that the memories really do come easier and with less tears as the days roll by. God is good at keeping one company and easing the pain…. and you are right about the empty chair. I know that Bob is still with me and will be for the rest of my life here as I know Zack will be with you all as well……BE safe, BE well and BE blessed….
Your words never cease to amaze me…and make me cry! “Wow” is all I can say. What an inspiration you are! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Wishing you many times of great joy tomorrow while at Disney. Hope to hear you scream all the way in Wilmington…with hands held high!
Always in my every single prayer…
Wendy, keep journaling and contnue to encourage Nick and Ernie to talk and share their feelings concerning the person – Zack and the individual loss to each of you and to your family circle.
Our only child and his wife lost their first child, Jameson, on Oct. 21, 2009, at the age of 12 following a year of extremely painful cancer treatments. Their other son, Mitchell, celebrated his 10th birthday on Oct. 19, 2009. He stays active and has done well in school, But, Mitchell has found it almost impossible to talk about his brother since his death. Although our son and daughter-in-law seem to be coping well, I am well aware of their pain and that of my husband who was his grandson’s constant companion. I can honestly say that watching those I love suffer this grief is a second great grief which caught me by surprise. Just remember there are many who are lifting you in prayer, too many who are walking the same path of grief and seeking to find some good purpose and joy in each day. Love, Marge
Hey Wendy
You may or may not know that I lost my husband nearly 3. . . 4 years ago now. I remember at one point that I knew the exact days since I had lost him. He was my best friend and we shared everything – I know it is not the same as losing a child but. . . we, now are a family of 3. Oftentimes when the girls and I walk into a restaurant I see the waitress peer around me as she says “Just 3?” and sometimes it still takes my breath away. We talk of Phillip often and if the girls have questions they ask – he is still a big part of our family and will always be.
But like you – I rejoice in the fact that I got to know him and to be loved by him and to be able to have loved him. We all grieve in our own ways, indeed. . . I was taken aback by how many people told me how – well meaning of course. . . but we all find our way somehow, and only you know what is best for you and your family. I am always here to talk if you need –
Love to your family,
Elizabeth Tyndall Harwick
Your journal is beautiful….and you better ride that roller coaster with no hands!!!
Wendy, your post really hit a tender spot with me. One of my last fun trips with Evan was at an amusement park. Evan was more like me, a little scared of some of the rides. He rode the Superman roller coaster that day with his Dad while I worried on the side line. I could tell he really didn’t want to do it, but he did. He was so excited to have finished it. The next year, I went back and rode that ride and felt him with me the entire time. It is true! There might be an empty seat, but never an empty moment that they aren’t with you. God Bless you and your family..
WHAT CANCER CANNOT DO
Cancer is so limited
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit.
— Anonymous
I would add it cannot fill the empty seat, as Zack will always occupy that special place.
Much love as you make this new journey where new memories are made with each heartbeaat.
Brenda
You are an amazing person. You are on my bucket list…I want to meet you some day
I ditto your bucket list…That, too, will be on mine. Wendy, God is using you in a mighty way…I thank HIM.
I have met them briefly at the begining of their journey and they are the most humble and amazing family ever – Nick is the sweetest child – never complained once for having to spend his summer in doors in NC. Wonderful, God fearing and Spirit filled family.
Wendy, may tomorrow be a “magical” day for your family full of laughter, sweet memories and new adventures!
Blessings, Wanda
Mayo Family,
Unfortunately I do not know any of you but I must say yall seem to be amazing people! Yall have suffered a loss that I couldn’t even imagine going through but yet yall never lost hope and kept on believing! This was definitely a tear jerker! It is wonderful how well yall are dealing with everything and will continue to pray for your family. There are many that say its easier to just pretend that the loss has not occurred and push it to the side but yall are keeping little Zack alive in memory even if he can’t be here physically. I admire you all and think everyone should look up to your family for inspiration!
Prayers to all of you,
Jana Woolard
Wendy – Zack will help you raise your hands tomorrow on Splash Mountain. You will also be lifting your hands to praise God for your wonderful memories. You will laugh and smile because God and Zack will be sitting beside you, helping you each moment of the day. Believe in daily miracles and have a great day. Thinking of you and praying daily.
Blessings & Hugs to you all Wendy…continuing to prayer for your moment-by-moment journey, crying and smiling with you so many times in your writings…thank you for sharing. Love to All!
wendy you are an amazing person, and amazing mother, and seems to me to be an amazing wife…you are a super strong women..i wish u and ur family the best vacation any one could ever have due to the circumstances….god bless you and ur family on ur journey to healing…have a blast and know that u are right zacks seat will never be empty
Wendy,
I always did enjoy listening to and reading stories from Leo Buscaglio. That was a great quote you used.
I see it didn’t take long to find a “place with roller coasters” for Nick. ;p I’m so very happy to hear that he had a dream of his brother that gave him joy, and didn’t make him upset/crying. Surely it is not easy for any of you, but I’m glad you don’t avoid talking about Zack to each other, as some might have done. I think it sounds like a wonderful idea to “include” him the way Nick does, and the way you think of him sitting beside you on the roller coaster ride.
How else would a family be able to continue on without sharing the joys and tears?
I really like the idea of continuing your “joy” section in your journal. There are so many little joys in life that we often take for granted or quickly forget. Perhaps we should all go by your example. It just might make us count our blessings a little more often, and realize how thankful we should be to our Father.
Just want you to know that I announced at church that you had this blog. My friend, Joyce, asked me for it, and I said I’d email or send it to her on facebook. She has 5 kids: 4 boys and 1 girl (youngest). She has been homeschooling them the whole time, and the oldest is going off to college in the fall. They are very close and she’s dreading him going away to school. She has a very big heart; esp. for kids. When she and I prayed together during prayer time, she just broke down in tears as she prayed for your family (which, of course, made me crumble into tears). Your family has touched lives and continues to do so. I just wanted to let you know that.
Sorry for the hot weather there. It’s really moderate temps in PA, right now. We were just saying that you should come up this way for OUR theme parks; at least the weather would be cooler for those lines. ;p I do hope you all have a super time together tomorrow, and that the lines are not too long. Wear sunscreen, bring water bottles, and enjoy the outing.
Love to you,
Sherry
Wendy- I am so glad to hear that Nick had a dream that made him happy. He is healing well!!! This is, of course, because he is being guided by the most wonderful parents on earth!!!! I am pretty wimpy and I would not normally hold my hands up either…and if you don’t who cares???But if you do…Oh, I have a feeling that it will be an awesome moment for you!! Do what makes YOU happy and make sure you tell us all! Can’t wait to hear the story of The Magic Kingdom!!!! Please post lots of photos! Have fun!!! Prayers are being said for all of you!!!!!!
Shelli
Hi, Wendy. Chloe’s mom here. Still reading, still keeping you all in our hearts. Thanks for letting us share in your many journeys. We lived in Orlando (Oviedo, actually) for six years before moving to Wilmington and always enjoyed the natural beauty and adventure of Rock Springs at Kelly Park. If it fits into your plan, Nick might have fun searching for shark’s teeth and floating down the shallow, cold, spring-fed stream. Info about it is here: http://apps.ocfl.net/dept/CEsrvcs/Parks/ParkDetails.asp?ParkID=22. and here: http://apps.ocfl.net/dept/CEsrvcs/Parks/docs/KELLY_PARK_INFO.pdf
Whatever you do and wherever you go, you are right where you are supposed to be.
Wendy and Mayo – I continue to follow your story and I am continually amazed and inspired by the strong family of God you continue to be despite the valley you find yourselves in right now. When my father passed away I was given a necklace of his that said ” as long as you remember me – so shall I live”. Continue to remember Zack – he is right there with you in every moment of everyday.
I pray that God uses this special time to help your family heal after a very long year of much struggle. I truly believe that you are going to use your experiences to help so many deal with their pain – when you have been made strong again by the love of our Father in Heaven.
Thank you for continuing to share your deepest sadnesses and small joys with us – you are loved by many.
God bless you all
All I can say Wendy is you are one AWESOME woman, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, and to boot, one of the most AMAZING moms…next to my mother and yours (Aunt Eva)! We always hear that God will never bring us to something that he won’t see us through and that he never gives us nothing we can’t handle! Well Zack was put here for a reason and very unfortunate to us his purpose was filled way to early in life and Gods strength that shines though you is so bright that there is no way a single soul on this earth could miss the magnificiant love of God that pours out through you!!
All beautifully said Wendy, my heart aches when I read your blogs, but so thankful that you still find joy and are still thankful for each moment of happiness. My empty chair sometimes seems to fill the room and consumes
me with sadness, guilt and grief. But I am trying to enjoy what I do have and to stop questioning God about what I will never have, here on earth anyway. Love to you all Kisses for birthday boy! Aunt Rhonda
Absolutely beautifully written straight from the heart. Prayers continue to go with you all and you
continue your journey. Enjoy your trip and continue to hold hands….on both sides. There are no empty
seats in the heart.
Wendy,
Your family is so very special to me (and to countless others)! I can not express in mere mortal words what your journal has meant & continues to mean to me. I thank God for you. For your strength in HIM has allowed you to be a shining beacon to so many. I pray for your peace to grow daily. For your faith & belief to continue to be deep. As a family, you are truly doing what God wants you to do. You are always in my thoughts & prayers. I haven’t met any of you, yet. And I may not meet you this side of Heaven. I know that it will be a honor to spend eternity with such strong Christians. The seperation from your precious Zack is the hardest thing God has put on your plate. My prayer is for your knowledge in knowing you be with him for eternity (without doctors, meds, hospitals, pain, worry) gives you hope that can not be taken away.
May your trip be filled with new memories and unspeakable joy.
You are so inspiring! What a super strong and faithful woman you are! I always look forward to your posts and if you are coming to Texas hopefully I get to meet you all!
Still praying for you in Rocky Mount, NC. I hope Nick had a great time at the Magic Kingdom.
I just prayed and asked God to give you humongous hugs right now…you are such an inspiration…much love to you all!
Wendy, you inspire me every time I read your journal. Your family has been through so much and I think you’re are beyond amazing parents for how you’ve coped with everything life has thrown your way. I know Nick already knows how wonderful you both are! (As does Zack!) I’m sure as he gets older and even becomes a parent of his own, he will have even more of an appreciation to what extraordinary parents he has been blessed with. You guys deserve this time as a family to have FUN, LAUGH and remember all the special memories you’ve shared as a family & CONTINUE to keep making more loving memories! Safe travels to your next adventure!
Dear Mayo Family, I have followed your painful journey from the very beginning. I thank you for inspiring me every single day.
Blessings and Love
Sylvia Clark