“So this year, on Mother’s Day, don’t forget that I have another one, another child, whose absence, like the sky, is spread over everything.” ~ C.S. Lewis
Being a mom is a blessing. Cherish every moment. Happy Mother’s Day!
Our Zack playing ice hockey...
Found rollerblades generate big smiles.
A little brother is excited to find them.
Hidden under piles of a big brother’s hockey gear.
Memories of an older brother playing hard. Vivid pictures fill my mind…
Nick’s happy heart makes me smile.
It feels good to smile.
A little brother pulls out protective hockey gear. Armor…
“Put on the whole armor of God…”
Each item is touched with excitement and enthusiasm as he rushes to try it on.
Protective gear.
To protect a brother from hurt. To keep him safe from falling.
Can we ever be safe from hurting when we fall?
A little boy is eager to learn something new. A little boy who doesn’t worry about falling.
A Daddy encourages. “Lean forward so when you fall you will fall forward!”
A Mommy worries. About falling.
Falling in a driveway where an older brother fell and ruptured a cancerous tumor.
A driveway where our lives fell apart…
A driveway where life bound us tightly together…
A driveway where we discovered tenderness, beauty and grace.
A Daddy sees the plan. He sees a little boy learning to rollerblade. A Daddy watches a little boy falling and catches him.
Sometimes he lets him fall…He says “you need to learn how to fall so you can learn how to get back up.”
Learning from falling?
The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. ~ Nelson Mandela
A little boy feels safe. In his armor. In his Daddy’s arms.
A Daddy cheers for a little boy determined.
A Mommy watches and learns from her little boy.
A little boy who motivates a Mommy to do the things she thinks she cannot do.
A little boy who misses his brother.
A little boy who asks lots of questions.
A little boy who trusts when there are no answers.
A little boy who prays daily for his older brother…prays that Zack is having a good time in heaven playing with his friend Wright.
A little boy who puts on his armor fearlessly.
A little boy who trusts that his Daddy will be there when he falls.
A little boy who gets back up when he falls….no matter how many times.
A little boy who enjoys the moment.
Day by day, moment by moment, I am learning how to get back up from my fall.
From our fall.
And daily, I put on the armor of God.
My protective gear.
And though sometimes I still fall back down, I’m forever falling forward.
Into the grace of HIS arms…
Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God’s grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God’s grace. - Jerry Bridges
Zack (age 10) and Nick (age 4)...Zack had dressed Nick in his protective hockey gear...
The sun shines brightly against the blue sky. Puffy white clouds.
My throat tightens. I whisper a prayer for help.
You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You. ~ Isaiah 26:3
Where is my mind today?
I step out of the truck and my heart spills on the ground.
The ground where my son’s body rests.
Everything is alive with Spring. The grass so vividly green. Flowers bloom. Birds sing. Life is all around me. But death looks me straight in the eyes. Death of my first born. My Zack. Our son. It pierces my soul.
Grace. Amazing Grace. Grace greater than my sins. HIS grace enables me, enables us, to make it no matter what…
And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.~ 2 Corinthians 12:9
I walk through the cemetery.
A headstone delivered.
A headstone for our son’s grave. Our 12 year old son’s grave.
A headstone placed carefully at his burial site. A place I do not visit often.
We put if off for so long. “You need to get one” – my momma would gently encourage.
A headstone finally ordered. What words are sufficient? To tell of a life lived. To tell of a life loved. To tell of all that is missed. Impossible.
A headstone finally delivered.
Back of his headstone. Dirt bike racer Zack Mayo Number 25
I run my fingers carefully over the letters of his name. I breathe. The sun warms the cold stone.
I notice grass has started growing over the sandy dirt on his grave.
A grandmother. My mother, “Ebie” to my boys, tenderly cares for his resting place near her home. Flowers lovingly switched out regularly. A new vase waits to dry so she can add more flowers.
The 2+ hour drive back to Wilmington, back to our 7 year old Nick, is quiet.
My husband’s hand in mine requires no words.
And this morning, the sun still came up. A new day.
And today people will complain.
About nothing.
About something.
About everything.
Instead of being thankful…
“I had no shoes and complained, until I met a man who had no feet.” ~Indian Proverb
Parents will complain about their children.
Instead of being thankful…
And while they complain, today forty-six parents will learn their child has cancer.
And seven parents will kiss their cancer stricken child for the last time. Hold their hand and smell them for the last time. Look into their eyes for the last time. Listen to them breathe. Watch them struggle to live. And watch them leave this world.
And the way they look at this world and the people in it will be forever changed.
And they will wonder why anyone complains…
Instead of complaining that the rosebush is full of thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. ~German Proverb
Sidenote: Seeing a headstone, my son’s headstone, may make you uncomfortable. I am quite certain that I will get at least one message asking how could I post it? No messages surprise me anymore. There will be others who won’t message me about it, they will just talk with their neighbor about it.(gossip?) That’s just a part of life. Headstones are also very much a part of life. Death is very much a part of life. You can push it out of your mind. You can ignore it but for sure it will still come. For you. And for your children. The ultimate question for you is what will you do for the eternal glory of God, not yourself, that will make your life count when it comes time for your headstone? Will HE be pleased with your words, your actions? Are they reflective of HIM in your life? If you don’t like the answers you have, it’s never too late to change. Let God be the change in you. If you already like your answers, get over yourself, there’s always room to do more. And the next time you feel a complaint rising up in you - take time to count your blessings instead. This life is but a vapor and then it is gone…make every moment count.
Our first Easter without Zack here with us.
Easter. A day of renewal.
Coming home from a Spring Break trip to our house. Without him.
Our house is noisy. Yet so very quiet.
I unload items. Like me, he always loved loading the motor home for a trip but hated unloading it when we returned.
That memory hits me. Hard.
Darkness does not like to leave us.
Easter eggs wait. A little boy is anxious to help.
Eggs. A symbol of birth.
A symbol of hope?
After death we will be reborn. We will defeat death as Christ did.
Victory over death. Victory. Zack.
And whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this? ~ John 11:26
Believe.
Dipping Easter eggs in little cups. Cups filled with color.
The color of spring.
The color of flowers. Flowers blooming back into life after appearing to be dead all winter. Christ appeared to be dead. He came back to life and ascended into heaven.
“You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep Spring from coming.” ~ Pablo Neruda
Coloring eggs. Telling the story of Easter.
Minus a brother.
Zack.
His first Easter in heaven.
Sitting at the feet of Jesus.
Listening.
Listening to Jesus telling the story of Easter.
The story of Hope.
He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay…~Matthew 28:6
May we all be blessed with hope on this Easter Sunday.
He is Risen!
Sacrifice?
Sacrifice.
Sacrifice requires blood.
The Lamb was perfect and blameless.
He gave so that I could live.
No matter what I had done.
When I caused Him grief, and didn’t care.
When I wasn’t seeking Him.
He was there.
Watching.
Waiting for Me.
Waiting for You.
When He was nailed to the altar on that day, and the world changed forever.
The word sacrifice took on a new meaning.
God the Father laid all the sins of the world, past, present, and future upon His head…
It was finished
For Me.
For You.
He sacrificed it all.
For Me.
For You.
He died.
So I could live.
So You could live.
Sacrifice.
~~~~~~~~~~
God willing, we would love for you and your family to join our family for Easter Services this Sunday, April 8th, for a celebration event like you’ve never experienced.
Scotts Hill Baptist Church – 185 Scotts Hill Loop Road, Wilmington NC. Service times 8am, 9:30am or 11am.
The Making of A Mighty Warrior….
Nick runs excitedly to the next exhibit. “I like the Holy Land Experiment (it is called Experience but he called it Experiment all day) better than Legoland,” he announces loudly.
What?
Better than Legoland?
Why? I ask.
“Because knowing about heaven is better than legos.”
Better than legos.
He does listen.
Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it. ~ Proverbs 22:6
I ponder the countless hours this precious little boy spent in a hospital. A hospital with a family full of faith and hope. A hospital with a very sick, terminally- ill, older brother. An older brother who was a mighty warrior.
What did we teach?
What did we learn ?
HIS plans are great and mighty for those little
feet of yours…
Our little soldier. A great man of God you
will come to be.
Well-meaning people questioned our decision to keep Nick with us in the hospital. With his brother. With his parents. Living in the moments. Loving with his family.
Learnings that will last a lifetime.
Dependency on God in the midst of trials… following God wholeheartedly.
If we overprotect our children, do we prevent them from the blessing of knowing where to turn when things get rough?
Then the Angel of the Lord appeared to him and said, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.”
The Lord calls Gideon a mighty warrior.
Gideon said to Him, “Please, Lord, how can I deliver Israel? Look, my family is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the youngest in my father’s house.” – Judges 6:15
Gideon did not come from a powerful family. And he was the baby…believing himself to be young and weak. When the Angel of the Lord came to him, he was threshing wheat in a wine press. Hiding from the Midianites.
No one saw in him a mighty warrior.
No one except the One who had created him. Created him to be a mighty warrior.
We never know what a day will bring us. Storms await. There will be times when we feel too weak and maybe even, like Gideon, try to hide from the enemy.
Will we listen when HE says “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior?”
Will we teach our children to be mighty warriors? Will we teach our children when something terrible happens that God is still good?
“Education has a tremendous effect on men’s opinions and thinking habits. What children learn in the nursery, will be displayed throughout their lives.”—Cecil.
Parenting is hard work. We get tired. We make mistakes.
Raising a child is a blessing. A great responsibility.
We take great care of our children. Do we take great care of their soul?
If we don’t do these things, why not?
This life is busy. It’s messy. It’s not wrapped up neatly in a bow. It takes effort and work to raise a mighty warrior….especially when we don’t feel like mighty warriors ourselves.
But life has a way of stopping us. Shifting us. Training us.
Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.
I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth. – 3 John 4
Our children learn what they live. If we want them to walk in truth, we must prepare them.
Preparing our mighty warriors….the final generations.
And perhaps in raising up our mighty warriors…WE become mighty warriors with them.
Praying God’s grace and guidance in the raising of our mighty warrior.
PS – I highly recommend “The Holy Land Experience” in Orlando, Florida. An amazing day. www.holylandexperience.com
Nick visits Jonah in the belly of the whale...
My Daddy, my brother and me with our pony...
Was it really so long ago?
My older brother and me…
Bare, dirty feet. Laying flat in a pasture. A grassy weed in the edge of his mouth. A weed flower tucked behind my ear.
Arms wide open. Staring at the sky.
Clouds.
He would see this. I would see that. We would see nothing… yet we could see everything with our arms wide open.
HIS arms are always wide open. Encompassing. Holding the dark and the light.
Holding the day and the night.
Across the river from our house in the country, was the home of the Marine Corps Air Station at Cherry Point. The roar of a military jet flying over us never failed to open our arms.
Arms wide open.
HE was crucified. For you.
For me.
With HIS arms wide open.
Zooming around the yard. The tiny hill near the drain field that seemed like a mountain. For a miraculous moment, we were planes.
Zooming through the pasture. The woods. Arms wide open.
In our dreams, we were always able to fly.
Flying. Does it foster the fantasies of our childhood?
Childhood.
The season that stirs our capacity for dreaming and living with arms wide open. Daydreaming. Using our imagination to do and be anything. Little minds and spirits growing.
Arms wide open.
Seeking. Growing. But only growing as much as allowed.
HE is always there with his arms wide open and the graces flowing. Always ready to accept us.
All of us.
Do we seek and respond with arms wide open?
ROARING jet engines fly high over our heads on Friday in Lakeland, Florida.
Lakeland, Florida – The birthplace of our first born son. We welcomed him into this world with our arms wide open. And he lived every moment of his life with arms wide open.
An air show stirs excitement and dreams in a little boy and takes his mommy back to a time and a place where it was easy to live with arms wide open.
A place where all the colors are brighter.
The air is softer.
A place where grass sitting is encouraged and clouds spark imagination. A place where each day is welcomed with arms wide open….awaiting endless possibilities.
Will I ever return to that place?
Upholding childish ideals…
Believing in dreams…
With arms that will always need to spread…
Praying and believing that God will lead.
And I will seek and follow with arms wide open.
PS – Happy Birthday to my big brother
Roland Maye Humphrey III. April 2, 1966 – Sept 23, 2005.
I will always remember…
Zack Sun N' Fun - 2010
Nick Sun N' Fun -2012
Weekends are for Making Memories….
“the moment may be temporary, but the memory is forever” ~ Unknown
In this busy world of hustle-bustle and rigid schedules all week long, make sure you take time to enjoy family and include your children in all that you do this weekend.
Children are a gift of the LORD ~ Psalm 127:3
Take time to worship with them, play with them, and laugh with them. Got errands to run? Projects to complete? Include them. Teach them. Spend time with them. Enjoy moments. Make memories.
The moments we share are the memories we keep…
“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.” ~ Author: Charles R. Swindoll, The Strong Family
Childhood is a short season. Cherish each moment. The pretty moment. The ugly moment. The everything-in-between moment.
A moment can change your life forever.
We miss you Zack.
Go-cart fun! This pic is the last time Zack would drive me in his Go-cart. He loved scaring mommy!
Daddy helping Zack sign his name on the "pink heals" firetruck
Wishing you blessed and special moments and memories this weekend.
brothers
Family. Sticking together. Loving together. Finding joy in moments. Together. Making memories that no one or nothing can take away.
sword fighting in the hospital. Laughter. Sweet medicine.
Zack at Sun N' Fun - April 2010
Every day. Every minute. Every moment. We miss you….
A moment lasts all of a second, but the memory lives on forever…
On our way to Sun N’ Fun….You always loved it! Nick is wearing YOUR hat in honor of you.
We are living the adventures. Making more memories. Celebrating and remembering YOU in all of our moments Zack Attack.
Zack and Nick - Sun N' Fun - April 2010
Are we there yet?
How many times?
So many times we hear it, we lose track.
Are we there yet? Always anxious to arrive…
To our destination. The place we think we want to be.
A campground in Brunswick, Georgia is a good stopping point. A temporary stop on our journey. A little boy runs outside to release energy busting from within…still anxious to arrive.
A playground. A garden. A pond. Questions stop. A little boy finds the joy in his journey.
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ~ Joseph Campbell
Preoccupation with our destination. We lose sight of the journey.
Are we there yet?
How often do we ask the same of HIM?
Are we there yet? To that place where we want to be?
To that place we think we want to be?
Do we listen to hear HIS answer or do we speed things along….trying to make the answer what we want to hear?
Yearning to be in a different place and time.
Will we see the joy in our journey?
“Count it ALL joy when you face various trials…” James 1:2
Do we wait and trust He knows what is best?. Do we find joy in the moment no matter what the moment is?
Joy in the suffering or the victory?
A journey. An act of traveling from one place to another…
We leave with a particular destination in mind. What happens when we have to take a detour? When we stumble or fall?
I think of the journey HE traveled for me.
Our Lord was already suffering terribly from exhaustion and loss
of blood. He knew the road he traveled…carrying the heavy burden
of the Cross led only to more agony…But each time Jesus fell,
He got back up. He kept going.
Is it the journey, not just the destination, that is important to HIM?
Will HE use our journey to test us, humble us, and show us what is in our hearts?
Will HE be pleased by what HE sees in mine?
“All God’s testings have a purpose— Someday you will see the light; All He asks is that you trust Him, Walk by faith and not by sight.” —Zoller
Am I there yet?
I pray more faith for my journey and to find joy in each moment of my journey. A journey to a place not on any map…
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